Hmm... let me think of where to begin...
Here I am, broken, torn and buised...for what must be the two hundredth and twenty second miliionth time in my life. And i must say, its the most...the best thing i've felt, so far.

For the past few MONTHS, i've been struggling, struggling horribly without my God to walk me through... and, its incredibly silly, how i look about me, and find myself in this trap that i've heard pastor's preach about five billion times every sunday.

I've become a Mayday Christian. Its started in Febuary, when all the prospects of making new friends were blooming in my mind, and how that has become so much of a focus in my life. Fairly predictable, hey. But its something that just crept up on me, and seeped into my life.

Until today, when mitra wrote me to tell me how we've been missing each other, i realised...God wasn't the first person I'd turn to, when i needed help, or wanted to share the news. It was my Currie friends. the A 300s that I've been so proud of, so close to, these past months. And there's nothing wrong with that. I love my friends. There's no doubt about that. but at the same time, i'm humanly selfish. And I've been making compromises, and tradeoffs to these ideals that I have in my heart so much lately. I haven't been the Christian that I was last year. No where close. And not that I'm struggling to meet a standard... I miss my God. I miss laughing with Him in the mornings, and crying to Him when I've been hurt at night. Being completely free to be my emotional, chaotic self with Him, and drawing on His peace and love. Like when I'm with my friends... I can't let myself completely go...people just don't do that kinda thing...it puts too much responsibility on them.

well, yea. I've been putting all my troubles and happinesses of the days on them first, before You, God...and haven't been talking to you at all. Not as i should. And that's what i'm doing now. I wannna come clean...i want...need my friends to know that...i've felt like that. i've felt like shit, i've felt that no point or purpose is visible, and that you're so dirty, no soap, no good deed will ever make up for it. I've been there. and yet, even now,i cling to Him. People that see me everyday, they have no idea, the wildness and desperation with which i cling to my God's hand. I'd truly, so verily be lost without Him.

and yes. I feel like one person, against this tidal wave of non Christians, all of whom seem better off, then i am. and i get battered and pounded at by the currents. silly things, like not getting invited to a pizza party, not being said hello to. I get hurt by these things... I don't know about you guys...I mean, i'm a CHRISTIAN, aren't I supposed to be better off?

that's the question that many people ask, and challenge (uni is getting into me, i nolonger can say the word everybody or noone without feeling guilty. i HAVE to correct it with 'most people' or 'a small number off'). In Albert, it was so easy to be Christian, with strong christian friends surrounding me EVERYDAY,holding me accountable. but here, my closest friends are non christians, the chrisitians that i meet with, are only for sundays and wednesdays... not nearly enough.and i can feel there thinking and influences affectingme...people that would usually irritate me a little, suddenly i avoid like black death... i DO NOT do such things. except with guys. which is yet another thing i have to work on...but that's a discussion for another time. *sigh*.

God, i wanna do this. i wanna come to you.