Having overheard some stuff my friends said about me... i felt depressed...that they made assumptions that were not true and the worst: did not bother to find out... well, i felt depressed until i started talking to Jesus, that is... and now all i have in my heart is this throb of yearning...to do better, for my Father... but we all fall short of the measure at some point or the other and get distracted...oh oh!! i've understood the lesson thing...i mean... christianity is a continuous state of revelation, right? and sometimes, in our problems, when we feel that God is silent... that's when its application time...to change from the inside out...but sometimes, we let the problem overwhelm us, and we feel that God isn't there...when he really is...its like those one-way glass windows that birds knock themselves out on... we look at in from the outside, and all we see is ourselves, and the desolation around us... we forget... that God is on the other side... with the haven of home, just waiting to open its door to us... i wanna do great things for God...but first, i have to be faithful in the little things in life... like loving to the fullest-everyone around me, and jumping for joy-above the roaring waves, and singing of His love- over the grumble of the crowd...

i guess, when i think "i don't wanna let him down..." that's wrong too! cos... that would put the focus on me! That it is ME that will have to go through the hardship, and survive on my own skills. also, that would give way to guilt...and unsufficiency when I DO rely on my own strength and fail... and that also implies that God has a standard... to measure us with, do you ever get the feeling sometimes, tha standards push you even lower down? like when you were five years old, looking at the minimum height chart for the coolest ride at the theme park. Thinking that you were too small, that it would be AGES before you ever grew that big... haha...anyway, I really think God doesn't have a standard... i mean, that he doesn't see it. only us, as humans, needing something to compare our 'growth' to,invent it... the concept of a standard is human made... to make everyone feel better for being the same... which is kind of funny...because a standard is made to apply to the Whole, while holding within it the desires of an individual... so in a sense, a standard is the embodient of selfishness and...ego?

Basically, when God sees us, he SEES us.not what we aim to be, not what we cannot seem to do. He doesn't Expect anything from us...because he loves us so!
i feel that way,
perhaps cos I do not like rules...
and things which seem so far away...
a standard is a thing... its a fixed point.
But God hasn't called us to look at a fixed point...
he called us to look in a DIRECTION.
UP.
Cos when you do, you see the sky, and beyond the sky...
and you can't limit what He can do...
or feel discouraged at what you feel you can't...

Do you know what its like to stare up into an endless sky? Have you? My dear dear friends back home, especially... in Singapore you hardly have the time to take such a breather... well, if you have, you'll know that staring up into that big blue....you loose your perception... you can't seem to focus on how wide a thing you're looking at, or how far...you can't tell whether the sky is really far far away... or up close, just touching your nose.Or whether it is flat or a hint of round.... :). that's what God's love, power, strength,God's EVERYTHING is like... there is no standard. just Him and eternity.

also... is eternity applicaple only to time?
Does God have faith in us? Faith is the substance of things hoped for...hope could mean hope for a standard...or it could mean the direction too! i mean... does faith only apply in the less powerful in the more? or does the faith of the powerful uplift that of the lesser... should faith be looked at as a gradient? where it is important who is being faithful first and the position and... AHHHHH.

too much thinking. ha. i should have left it at the italics. nevermind. i shall deal with the others later. if you have anything to add or object to, especially MAMAMITRA. please email me. at amil.apres@gmail.com ( cos my tagboard REFUSES to appear)
with love and God Bless!